9 Reasons Boundaries Can Be Hard for Neurodivergent Teachers

Do you ever find yourself saying “yes” when every cell in your body is saying “Hard pass”?

Or maybe you've stayed at school hours after the bell, helping a colleague with a project?

Meanwhile your own to-do list grows longer. Sound familiar?

I've been there too.

Here are some reasons why boundaries are so difficult for teachers with ADHD or autism.

(Not always, of course! Everyone is different.)

Take what applies to you.

As an elementary music teacher, I felt this acutely.

I thought I was just being helpful, or responsible, or a team player.

What I didn't realize was how much of my boundary struggle was directly tied to neurodivergence.

Why Setting Boundaries Is Extra Hard When You're Neurodivergent

Our Empathy Dial Is Cranked to Maximum

As a neurodivergent person, I feel everything intensely.

When a student looked disappointed, I felt that disappointment right in my stomach.

When a colleague sighs with frustration, I absorb that frustration like a sponge.

This heightened empathy makes it nearly impossible to say “no.”

(When we can literally feel the other person's needs and disappointment.)

It's like having your screen door open and unwanted critters find their way in.

We need to find ways to close the screen enough to keep bugs out, while still getting that fresh air.

Rejection Sensitivity Makes “No” Terrifying

Many of us with ADHD or autism experience rejection sensitivity dysphoria (or RSD).

This can make even mild disapproval feel catastrophic.

Remember that time you finally worked up the courage to set some limits with a certain colleague?

Maybe you mentioned that saying your project was cute was hurtful, even if they didn't mean for it to sound so.

And the other person looked slightly annoyed or amused, even? Or told you to calm down and not be so sensitive?

For those of us with RSD, that slight bother feels incredibly amplified.

It would be like someone announced that we were the worst teacher in the world, on a city-wide megaphone.

When you add in the moral lectures, it's enough to make you want to call it a day.

We're Professional Maskers

Those of us who were diagnosed later in life, especially, have a history of feeling misunderstood.

The times we were called out or embarrassed for doing something differently, add up.

Thus begins a tendency to mask, or hide, our needs, struggles, but also our gifts and talents.

Not even realizing we are doing this is also common!

It was much easier to help a new sub fix the copier than to finalize my week's lesson plans.

(Meanwhile, my own lessons remained half-planned, and I'd scramble during lunch to catch up.)

We Can't Always Feel Our Own Limits

Many neurodivergent folks struggle with interoception – the ability to sense what's happening in our bodies.

Sometimes I would notice headaches, or lack of quality sleep, especially towards the end of a week.

But structuring things in a different way to avoid that outcome felt dubious or even futile.

We miss the early warning signs that we're approaching our limits until we're already past them.

How can you set a boundary when you can't feel when you need one?

Executive Function Makes Boundary-Setting Extra Complicated

Ever had the perfect boundary script planned in your head, but when the moment comes?

Your brain goes completely blank.

Or maybe you know you need to set a boundary with a parent who wants to meet with you — again.

But figuring out what to say and actually having the conversation feels impossibly complex?

That's partially due to executive function challenges.

Planning, initiating, and following through on boundaries requires skills that many of us struggle with.

Add in some memory issues, and suddenly I'm not sure what someone else said about a similar issue.

Our Unique Brains Process Social Rules Differently

For many years, I thought saying “no” to a request from my principal was simply not allowed.

It wasn't that I was afraid – I literally did not understand it was an option in the social rulebook.

Whether you're autistic or have ADHD, the unwritten social rules around boundaries can be confusing.

This is another reason masking comes into play.

When the unspoken expectations are unclear, we look to others for guidance.

A non-school related example of this would be something as simple as knowing what you want to eat today.

Your partner asks, what do you want? You reply that you don't know! How is this possible!?

The Real-Life Impact

Without strong boundaries, we can end up:

• Burned out and exhausted, questioning if we can even continue teaching.

• Resentful of colleagues, families, or students who always want more from us.

• Losing our unique creative spark and passion for teaching.

• Missing out on time for self-care and rest that we really need.

I've known teachers who went above and beyond (as we all do), but in extreme ways.

For example with a new team member joining the school.

A neurotypical teacher might make some copies, schedule some observations, and tour the school.

A teacher with ADHD might do all of this, but in addition recommend every teaching book they ever read.

Or worse, they may accidentally overshare the latest tea or opinions of other community members.

In an attempt to feel useful and competent, those kinds of faux-pas pop up.

It's definitely not for lack of trying.

It's that, again, there are many reasons why boundaries are so difficult!

You're Not Selfish for Having Boundaries

Despite all of these challenges, having solid boundaries in place is super important.

And possible, though it takes somewhat constant practice.

Firm limits make you sustainable.

It makes you a better teacher in the long run.

It honors your specific needs.

(Without having to resort to unhelpful and harmful coping strategies.)

Read this post for tips on setting boundaries, including some helpful boundaries scripts you can use.

But for now, just knowing that your struggles aren't character flaws.

Instead they are a common experience, especially for teachers with adhd, AuDHD, autism, and more.

The key is to take some time to understanding neurodivergent boundaries.

And see how yours affect you.

What boundary do you find most challenging to set at school?